Fans of “The Dan Naturman Show” podcast know that from time to time we do a segment called “Real Books/Fake Excerpts”. This is where I read a fake excerpt, that I wrote, from an actual real book, that somebody else wrote. Here’s one I read on a recent epidose that tickled my co-host Rob’s funnybone in a major way. The real book is: Emily Post’s Etiquette, The Definitive Guide to Manners, 17 Edition, by Peggy Post. Collins, 2004.
And here’s the fake excerpt:
From Chapter 15 – Greetings and Introductions
Freaks and the Deformed
People with Hook Hands – When being introduced to someone with a hook for a hand the first issue we must address is the handshake. Proper etiquette generally dictates that one shakes with the right hand. But, you may ask, what if the hook is on the right hand? The rule remains the same – we shake with our right hand. Shake the hook itself if you can do so without injury. If not, grab the wood behind the hook and shake that. Another important thing to remember when interacting with hook-handed people is that until you have devoloped a very good rapport with the individual, it is not appropriate to ask him or her to use their hook to help you open a bottle. Nor is it good manners to create an awkward situation by struggling to open a bottle in an obvious or exaggerated fashion hoping they offer you their hook. We must simply wait and enjoy our beverage later. Finally, and most importantly, just as you would not ask a Greek person that you had just met “so what diner do you work at?”, you should not just assume a person with a hook hand is a pirate. A well mannered person never makes assumptions based on stereotypes.